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be aware that I hate myself for everything in the past 3 years.
I know I'm a terrible person.
And I don't know how to fix it.

Your forgiveness is not enough when I cannot forgive myself.

Ok, yes, I get it, alcohol is bad.
Trust me, working in a psych ward I see all sorts of people who would be MUCH better off without consuming the amount that they do.

But seriously, claiming Disulfiram (Antabuse) is a cure-all is just wrong.
Sure, it makes people violently ill if they consume alcohol, but in no way does it address the behaviour and response patterns that person has been developing since they were old enough to hold their head up (and no that is not an exaggeration).
And it's the response patterns that are the key here.

You can take away their weapon, but they'll just find another one.
You take away the alcohol, they'll just find another substance, likely to be uncontrolled, of which the short (and long) term effects are unknown.

Add to this the potential risks of Disulfiram itself.
As I'm sure you're aware, most GP's are crap, and will not tell you about the side effects of a drug. And even when they do, a fair percentage of people will ignore them, because we've developed into a society where the internet gets more respect than an MBBS graduate.
Which means that the people taking Disulfiram are at risk here.

I'm sure you're aware that chronic alcoholics are screwed due to not only liver disease, but an increased risk of cardiac illness, and not to mention being generally unhealthy.
Add to this, side effects including shortness of breath, postural hypotension (fainting/feeling dizzy when you stand up), and circulatory collapse....

THIS, George Negus, is why Disulfiram is not widely prescribed.
Please stop pretending to be a doctor.

I AM TOTALLY IN THE MOOD FOR MACADAMIA CARAMEL CHOC TART.
But I'm being good, and it's 18 past midnight...
I think if i started cooking there might be an issue.
On the other hand, I only got up at like, 2pm

So I've started working now.
Which isn't a massive thing in the grand scheme of things,
since the average Gen Y-er has.... well....
a lot of jobs.

BUT for me, myself?
It's pretty monumental.
Prior to this, I've only ever walked junk mail as a method of money-getting.
And now I'm a nurse.
A NURSE.

A nurse who works in the psych ward no less.
It's pretty awesome/fun.
And it's nice to have something positive in my life.

I'm actually doing something to help others that doesn't hurt me in the process.
And it feels amazing :)

So I started writing a post
and then I realised it got FAR too philosophical for 3AM
and then I realised I should go to bed
but I havn't.

Some things change,
but not me.
Maybe I mature a little.
Realise that babies are too much hard work.
But that I'm in love and should stop being a douche.

But I still stay up til 3AM
doing nothing but watching telly
and chilling on the internet.

(AND I STILL MANAGED TO GET MODERATELY PHILOSOPHICAL.)
(FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-)

I really have not learnt a single thing whilst at uni.

Well, ok, so I know how to be a nurse.
But I still don't know how to NOT pull an all nighter before an assignment is due.
Well technically this one was due monday last week.

I kind of spent the week being all: OH GOD, I DON'T HAVE A GRADUATE YEAR, WHY EVEN BOTHER.
so now an essay that's worth 50% of my unit mark is going to be 4 days late.
(if i hand it in before 9am, it will be stamped with Friday's date.)

And now, even though I have a grad year and have a reason to do this essay, I still can't be bothered doing it.
At this point I'm thinking: Well, it's already 4 days late, what's one more day?

BUT I AM GOING TO DO IT.
BECAUSE I AM RESPONSIBLE AND WILL MAKE A FANTASTIC NURSE.

brb, essay.
xo

my chest is constantly aching.
and i'm really quite sick of it.

i'm on placement these next three weeks.
but i should really be a patient,
not a nurse.

sigh.

I was always of the opinion that people were generally accepting of people in different situations to their own.
whether it's different income, different sexuality, different race, or different mental state.

turns out i was wrong.

most people i've told about my depression have been fine, not treated me any different.
actually, all of them have,

but i've noticed that one person in particular is very judgemental of anyone with a mental illness.
and it just makes me so angry.
they act like people choose to get a mental illness, like they want to be that way.

no one wants to be like this.

anyone who thinks so needs a smack around the head.

have you ever felt like you have to hide that you're friends with someone?
it's a pretty crappy thing.

i'm friends with this guy,
but i think if mitch knew how close we are,
he wouldn't be ok with it.

he's helped me out so much recently.
just purely by being so impartial.

---------------------------------------------
Pt. 2

i want to go away.
i want to start anew.
i'm sick of being there for everyone, and always having to consider them.
i'm sick of being told to grow up.

i think it's the scenery.
this place is associated with so much.
and i want to get away from it.
i don't want to be reminded of jail, and suicide, and broken relationships.
i don't want to.
i just don't.

i'm thinking of moving to. somewhere.
maybe singapore.
maybe jamaica. they speak english there, lol.

that'd be nice.

i've been contemplating recently, how people would react if they knew the intimate details of my mind.
all the things i've done.
all the things i think about doing.
my thought process.

it would be hard being presented with someone else's brain.
mainly because it works differently to yours.
but also because you're likely to come to one of three conclusions.
one) you're insane compared to them.
two) they're insane and you want to get away from them.
three) in the case of friends/family, you realise you don't know them at all.

there are a number of minds i would rather inhabit.
but i kind of like this one.
despite the fact that even i don't know who i am anymore.

i want to shout it out to the world.
i'm sick of keeping this a secret.
but no one would look at me the same,
and i would lose everyone.

well.
almost.

i'm just a little unwell.

the meds are working, which is nice.
i havn't had a breakdown in a while.
and the only real issue is that i can't concentrate particularly well.
also: constantly tired.
but that might be my resp infection too.

i've been planning for next year,
figuring out where i'm going.
pretty much every rural hospital has been thrown out.
which means i'm becoming a melbourne kid.

i'm thinking of applying to NSW or SA.
just because.
well, not "just because"
but still.

Kevin passed away last night.
and Pat's going to palliative care.
funeral is on friday.

be aware that I hate myself for everything in the past 3 years.
I know I'm a terrible person.
And I don't know how to fix it.

Your forgiveness is not enough when I cannot forgive myself.

Ok, yes, I get it, alcohol is bad.
Trust me, working in a psych ward I see all sorts of people who would be MUCH better off without consuming the amount that they do.

But seriously, claiming Disulfiram (Antabuse) is a cure-all is just wrong.
Sure, it makes people violently ill if they consume alcohol, but in no way does it address the behaviour and response patterns that person has been developing since they were old enough to hold their head up (and no that is not an exaggeration).
And it's the response patterns that are the key here.

You can take away their weapon, but they'll just find another one.
You take away the alcohol, they'll just find another substance, likely to be uncontrolled, of which the short (and long) term effects are unknown.

Add to this the potential risks of Disulfiram itself.
As I'm sure you're aware, most GP's are crap, and will not tell you about the side effects of a drug. And even when they do, a fair percentage of people will ignore them, because we've developed into a society where the internet gets more respect than an MBBS graduate.
Which means that the people taking Disulfiram are at risk here.

I'm sure you're aware that chronic alcoholics are screwed due to not only liver disease, but an increased risk of cardiac illness, and not to mention being generally unhealthy.
Add to this, side effects including shortness of breath, postural hypotension (fainting/feeling dizzy when you stand up), and circulatory collapse....

THIS, George Negus, is why Disulfiram is not widely prescribed.
Please stop pretending to be a doctor.

I AM TOTALLY IN THE MOOD FOR MACADAMIA CARAMEL CHOC TART.
But I'm being good, and it's 18 past midnight...
I think if i started cooking there might be an issue.
On the other hand, I only got up at like, 2pm

So I've started working now.
Which isn't a massive thing in the grand scheme of things,
since the average Gen Y-er has.... well....
a lot of jobs.

BUT for me, myself?
It's pretty monumental.
Prior to this, I've only ever walked junk mail as a method of money-getting.
And now I'm a nurse.
A NURSE.

A nurse who works in the psych ward no less.
It's pretty awesome/fun.
And it's nice to have something positive in my life.

I'm actually doing something to help others that doesn't hurt me in the process.
And it feels amazing :)

So I started writing a post
and then I realised it got FAR too philosophical for 3AM
and then I realised I should go to bed
but I havn't.

Some things change,
but not me.
Maybe I mature a little.
Realise that babies are too much hard work.
But that I'm in love and should stop being a douche.

But I still stay up til 3AM
doing nothing but watching telly
and chilling on the internet.

(AND I STILL MANAGED TO GET MODERATELY PHILOSOPHICAL.)
(FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-)

I really have not learnt a single thing whilst at uni.

Well, ok, so I know how to be a nurse.
But I still don't know how to NOT pull an all nighter before an assignment is due.
Well technically this one was due monday last week.

I kind of spent the week being all: OH GOD, I DON'T HAVE A GRADUATE YEAR, WHY EVEN BOTHER.
so now an essay that's worth 50% of my unit mark is going to be 4 days late.
(if i hand it in before 9am, it will be stamped with Friday's date.)

And now, even though I have a grad year and have a reason to do this essay, I still can't be bothered doing it.
At this point I'm thinking: Well, it's already 4 days late, what's one more day?

BUT I AM GOING TO DO IT.
BECAUSE I AM RESPONSIBLE AND WILL MAKE A FANTASTIC NURSE.

brb, essay.
xo

my chest is constantly aching.
and i'm really quite sick of it.

i'm on placement these next three weeks.
but i should really be a patient,
not a nurse.

sigh.

I was always of the opinion that people were generally accepting of people in different situations to their own.
whether it's different income, different sexuality, different race, or different mental state.

turns out i was wrong.

most people i've told about my depression have been fine, not treated me any different.
actually, all of them have,

but i've noticed that one person in particular is very judgemental of anyone with a mental illness.
and it just makes me so angry.
they act like people choose to get a mental illness, like they want to be that way.

no one wants to be like this.

anyone who thinks so needs a smack around the head.

have you ever felt like you have to hide that you're friends with someone?
it's a pretty crappy thing.

i'm friends with this guy,
but i think if mitch knew how close we are,
he wouldn't be ok with it.

he's helped me out so much recently.
just purely by being so impartial.

---------------------------------------------
Pt. 2

i want to go away.
i want to start anew.
i'm sick of being there for everyone, and always having to consider them.
i'm sick of being told to grow up.

i think it's the scenery.
this place is associated with so much.
and i want to get away from it.
i don't want to be reminded of jail, and suicide, and broken relationships.
i don't want to.
i just don't.

i'm thinking of moving to. somewhere.
maybe singapore.
maybe jamaica. they speak english there, lol.

that'd be nice.

i've been contemplating recently, how people would react if they knew the intimate details of my mind.
all the things i've done.
all the things i think about doing.
my thought process.

it would be hard being presented with someone else's brain.
mainly because it works differently to yours.
but also because you're likely to come to one of three conclusions.
one) you're insane compared to them.
two) they're insane and you want to get away from them.
three) in the case of friends/family, you realise you don't know them at all.

there are a number of minds i would rather inhabit.
but i kind of like this one.
despite the fact that even i don't know who i am anymore.

i want to shout it out to the world.
i'm sick of keeping this a secret.
but no one would look at me the same,
and i would lose everyone.

well.
almost.

i'm just a little unwell.

the meds are working, which is nice.
i havn't had a breakdown in a while.
and the only real issue is that i can't concentrate particularly well.
also: constantly tired.
but that might be my resp infection too.

i've been planning for next year,
figuring out where i'm going.
pretty much every rural hospital has been thrown out.
which means i'm becoming a melbourne kid.

i'm thinking of applying to NSW or SA.
just because.
well, not "just because"
but still.

Kevin passed away last night.
and Pat's going to palliative care.
funeral is on friday.

ZEBE
Nurse.
1989.
In Love.
Eclectic.
Princess.
Retro Nerd.
Music Lover.
Agnostic.
Tomboy.
Procrastinator.
Pro Choice.
Occasionally Emo.

♥
Mitch.
Rovers.
Reading.
Hiking.
Friends.
Social Drinking.
Ramune.
The Prom.
Roast Chicken.
Dancing.
Red Hair.
Blue M&M's.
Sleep.
Dressing Up.

/♥
Predjudice.
Trolls.
Tobacco.
Media Bias.
The Cold.
Blind Followers.

Cerry
Postsecret
Breeza
Tink
West
Allie


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